The less I constantly Think about it, the better... Reposting for myself.

*OLD BLOG REPOSTING FOR MYSELF

So It has been a while, huh?  Sorry... School and work together are crazy and I have barely any me-time.  I have to say my weight has decreased, at the beginning of the day I'm about 115 pounds and at the end of the day I am about 118.5 on average.  I am very happy with my weight, but do you know what's funny? The less I focus on dieting and exercise, the more I lose weight, and the happier I am.  At a point in Feb/april I was working out aprox. 3 times a day.  I couldn't stand my body.  All I had in my head was when I was 11 or 12 a girl from my youth group who was 16 at the time asked me if I was pregnant, not only was I horrified because one I was and am a virgin, for two at that point I wasn't quite at my heaviest, for three I hadn't even gotten my period at that point, and not to mention I was 12 (literally I had just turned 12 a month or so before.)  I was hurt, because the only reason she said that to me is probably because she was jealous.  The 16 year old girl still in a B cup, insisting that the 12 year old in a C cup was pregnant, now obviously if you are twelve and have been asked a question like this you know how disturbing it must be!  I have to be honest I was disgusted.  I wasn't hurt, I was angry that someone I thought was my friend and that I trusted would question my virginity!  I wanted to say "I am a virgin, just because I have bigger boobs doesn't mean I sleep around, or with anyone for that matter."  Sometimes I feel like the world betrayed me that night.  I hate that I was just chubby enough, and wearing just the perfect shirt that night to be asked that, I told my mother and she was horrified.  She was disgusted, and I think she felt really bad for me.  I have no intension of saying any names of these people.  I was asked twice that year if I was pregnant...  Although it's amazing to think that now I am capable of giving birth to a child, and I don't know why it is seen as such a bad thing, to be pregnant, even if they aren't married they shouldn't be shunned they should be applauded that they are having the bravery to not abort these babies, and so very often without the father and although I believe to wait till marriage, I don't make fun of teens who are pregnant, you should think about that too. But On the other hand it is different when you ask a 12 year old if she is pregnant.  (obviously I'm older now and understand that those people were just forcing their insecurities on me)  But I realize now that, despite being jealous, asking a young girl if she's pregnant is unthoughtful. SO Older girls who may be jealous of those 12 year olds with huge boobs,  just dont ask them rude questions! and younger girls with bigger boobs, don't take the rude questions to heart! You're beautiful just the way you are!
Love to you all!!
~Morgan

My crazy weight journey... Reposting for myself.

Hello my name is Morgan... And this is my weight story...

So it began on the day of my birth a healthy baby girl, 8 whopping pounds... WOW.

I have always been fat.  There was no time when I was skinny, I was always at least in the 70th percentile, I always felt fat even when I was not too fat.  I mean, when I was little I felt so alone, fat, and ugly. I couldn't help but cry all the time.  But as I grew older there was a time when I was about 11 that I was skinny, that all changed when puberty set in, you see I started "blooming" at 8 years old, and no I'm not just saying that, I was in a D cup at 12, so no I wasn't the eleven year old barely in an A cup saying I was an early bloomer, I hate when A cup 11 year olds say that they were super early bloomers, just so you know children, it's ok to be a late bloomer!  Enjoy childhood while it lasts, because it ends very suddenly.  Weight began to haunt me by the time I was 12, 120 pounds, and 5 foot 2.5 inches, and acne had set in... EVERYWHERE. I had acne on my legs, arms, face, chest, back, shoulders, LITERALLY everywhere, anywhere you could think of, there was acne.  I tried to eat relatively healthy, by the fact I didn't eat McDonalds.  I felt out of place, lonely, ugly, unwanted, hated, and all those negative things.  I think one of the reasons I was so skinny when I was 11 was I worked out twice a week at a gym, but eventually that summer ended and I had no time for the gym.  I did at home work outs on occasion, but those never actually become a daily routine when you're in seventh grade.  I gained and gained and gained, doctors said I was healthy, and I was, but that doesn't mean I'm not fat.  I am HORRIFIED with my body.  I felt overweight and bloated so often, and no matter how many times I would look in the mirror and say "you're so beautiful" or "look how skinny you've gotten!" the moment would pass all so suddenly after finding a new blemish that wouldn't go away.  I tried a Doctor Oz Diet one winter, but eating separate meals from the rest of my family was just hectic.  So again that didn't last.  When you're a teenager trying desperately to loose weight without starving yourself, or throwing up, it's nearly impossible.  But One thing I am going to say is, I may still be fat but I'm working on it, I can't truthfully tell you that I look in the mirror and feel loved and beautiful, because I would be lying.  When I look in the mirror I look at my body, and from my soul I yell at my body... The body God gifted me with... the body I'm stuck with.  I yell, I scream, I cry, I laugh at my ugliness... The ugliness I cannot control, no diet can help ugliness.  Sometimes I wish I could just jump out of my skin.  I hate what God has given me.  I hate this body.  I hate this face.  I hate the fat.  I wish I was someone else.  I cannot stand the pain that my terrible body gives me.

I wish I possessed beauty.  I wish I was considered "gorgeous." But I'm not and letting it all out feels good I can learn to accept my ugliness, and my fatness.  Let's just dive into what I despise about myself... My under eye circles, my stomach, my fat face, my defected fingers, my small bulging eyes, and most of all I despise my jello-like legs... I HATE when younger girls compare themselves to me.  Saying "my thighs are HUGE compared to yours", Or "How are you so skinny?!"  when they're 3 sizes smaller than me.

Despite the hate for myself there are things I love about my body like...

I really like having curves. And I love my little mouth.  But I hate my body much more than I love it.  I do not know why God gave me this body, but I know that I can change the way I look if I work on it.  There is a way, and I have started on the path... So take my hand, hold on, TIGHT! And let's walk down the path together.

~Morgan