So it began on the day of my birth a healthy baby girl, 8 whopping pounds... WOW.
I have always been fat. There was no time when I was skinny, I was always at least in the 70th percentile, I always felt fat even when I was not too fat. I mean, when I was little I felt so alone, fat, and ugly. I couldn't help but cry all the time. But as I grew older there was a time when I was about 11 that I was skinny, that all changed when puberty set in, you see I started "blooming" at 8 years old, and no I'm not just saying that, I was in a D cup at 12, so no I wasn't the eleven year old barely in an A cup saying I was an early bloomer, I hate when A cup 11 year olds say that they were super early bloomers, just so you know children, it's ok to be a late bloomer! Enjoy childhood while it lasts, because it ends very suddenly. Weight began to haunt me by the time I was 12, 120 pounds, and 5 foot 2.5 inches, and acne had set in... EVERYWHERE. I had acne on my legs, arms, face, chest, back, shoulders, LITERALLY everywhere, anywhere you could think of, there was acne. I tried to eat relatively healthy, by the fact I didn't eat McDonalds. I felt out of place, lonely, ugly, unwanted, hated, and all those negative things. I think one of the reasons I was so skinny when I was 11 was I worked out twice a week at a gym, but eventually that summer ended and I had no time for the gym. I did at home work outs on occasion, but those never actually become a daily routine when you're in seventh grade. I gained and gained and gained, doctors said I was healthy, and I was, but that doesn't mean I'm not fat. I am HORRIFIED with my body. I felt overweight and bloated so often, and no matter how many times I would look in the mirror and say "you're so beautiful" or "look how skinny you've gotten!" the moment would pass all so suddenly after finding a new blemish that wouldn't go away. I tried a Doctor Oz Diet one winter, but eating separate meals from the rest of my family was just hectic. So again that didn't last. When you're a teenager trying desperately to loose weight without starving yourself, or throwing up, it's nearly impossible. But One thing I am going to say is, I may still be fat but I'm working on it, I can't truthfully tell you that I look in the mirror and feel loved and beautiful, because I would be lying. When I look in the mirror I look at my body, and from my soul I yell at my body... The body God gifted me with... the body I'm stuck with. I yell, I scream, I cry, I laugh at my ugliness... The ugliness I cannot control, no diet can help ugliness. Sometimes I wish I could just jump out of my skin. I hate what God has given me. I hate this body. I hate this face. I hate the fat. I wish I was someone else. I cannot stand the pain that my terrible body gives me.
I wish I possessed beauty. I wish I was considered "gorgeous." But I'm not and letting it all out feels good I can learn to accept my ugliness, and my fatness. Let's just dive into what I despise about myself... My under eye circles, my stomach, my fat face, my defected fingers, my small bulging eyes, and most of all I despise my jello-like legs... I HATE when younger girls compare themselves to me. Saying "my thighs are HUGE compared to yours", Or "How are you so skinny?!" when they're 3 sizes smaller than me.
Despite the hate for myself there are things I love about my body like...
I really like having curves. And I love my little mouth. But I hate my body much more than I love it. I do not know why God gave me this body, but I know that I can change the way I look if I work on it. There is a way, and I have started on the path... So take my hand, hold on, TIGHT! And let's walk down the path together.
~Morgan
