Hi... I'm having a really hard time today... I have practically broken up with my best friend recently, we weren't officially broken up as friends, although our friendship was thinning out gradually. It has been one of the most painful things that I have ever experienced. Probably because this is one of the few people that I love. I had to end it once and for all, for the better. I have had a hard time not having feelings for this person, (more-than-friends type feelings), while I do not want these feelings, they're still there. THEY ARE STILL THERE. I hate it. Because I actually like someone who I want to like, and want these feelings, but these other feelings are destroying what I have going with the other person. My best-friend was like my brother, and now I just hate that I love him. I am broken. My strings are snapped like a marionette doll. I am so tired of these feelings. The reason that I am ending the friendship is that I really don't want to like my ex-bestfriend, let's call him John. I started developing feelings for John around a year and a half ago, but honestly I hate myself for even allowing myself to have feelings for him, because I really don't want to have them. It's too late. I've got to break this friendship up. I can't keep this up. I really can't. I really dislike who he's become. But then again, how he changed makes me love him even more. But I have to shut this down. I can't do it anymore. I have to cut any ties I have with him. Even if he doesn't realize it, he's slowly suffocating me. I just... I don't know. And then, I have another person let's call her Lexi. Lexi thinks she knows him so well, but she really doesn't, it goes to show you that John related stuff is destroying my good friendship with Lexi. It shouldn't take me long to get over him. I'm good at controlling my feelings. I hope this stops. I hope he just leaves me alone. I hope I barely ever see him. Because honestly, I can't stop relapsing back into this hell hole. He's a trap. He's like kryptonite. He doesn't even mean to, but he traps me every time. Every time I tell him I've moved on, which is always true, he traps me again. He doesn't care about me at all. And that's good. I don't want him to care. That will make it so much easier. I can't stand this. I don't really want to break up with my best friend, but I have to. Because this friendship is killing me, literally. So, I don't know, I am really scared, because it's like when a person stops using drugs after they have become addicted. Not that I am addicted to a person, I don't think that is quite possible. I just think that he's my bad habit. Old habits die hard. I actually am sorry for myself.
Morgan, I am sorry that I let you down. I am sorry I let you do this. I am so sorry that I am stupid, and gullible, and that I gave him the power to have your heart. Sincerely, yourself. I'm accepting that I have to let go. I have to let go. I have to let go of this, and never let myself slip away again. I'm sorry, me. I just can't do this anymore. I can't let myself love someone who is honestly bad for me. Anyway, this was really stupid, but whatever. None of you know me anyway, so whatever.
OK. I'll fake a smile until I talk to you guys again on Monday or something.
XOXOXOXO :D
-Morgan
yeah I had a friend that I used to hang out with all the time, but he got intro drugs and other stuff so I just told him we were ending it there. It was a bit sad at first, but we loose people and gain more, other paths are taken and if they choose to live their life in another way, then you don't have to be a part of theirs, loosing some people can be for the best, but true friendships should be renewed.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the wisdom, it's helpful.
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